Saturday, February 10, 2007

I've lost my way

I'm not sure how, but I only ever feel the need to share when things are going badly, so here I am again. With the passing of every day, I feel less sure what i want to do, but more sure that I want to do something in the business world. I was looking at PR or advertising, but I somehow feel that everyone else out ther is a better candidate than me. During my sporting years I always believed that I could beat everyone else no matter, even when it was far from the truth. These days though, I somehow feel that I'm at the bottom of the stack, waiting to see what's left. When I compare myself to others I know, I feel as though I have lost all the proffesional ambition I once had, not through desire, but through ability.

I don't know where to go from here! I have a flat for next year in sheffield, and a job at the climbing wall hopefully, but it's hardly the £50k job i saw myself in a few years ago.

When I left school, I missed that, now my uni life is drawing to a close I feel as though I have wasted the opportunities. Ive reached a definitive junction in my life, but the signposts are blank. Where there used to be prospects, I now feel as though I have to somehow settle for less.

I don't seem to be able to see beyond the next big choice, but I can't see what that big choice is!

I can afford to live if i stay at the wall, but it seems like such a waste of my £10,000 degree debt that I've racked up. I often used to do things because it was what others expected, however now my worries are personal, and internal. I need to satisfy a need which I can't identify.

I've always been bad at sharing my feelings, I probably always will be, but I'm finding it somehow harder to deal with this time. People ask me to exlplain how i feel to them but I simply don't want to. This leaves me on my own, through my own choices! When people used to ask me to explain what it was like to have to stop rowing I simply couldn't describe it to them, there was no way I could, only someone who had been through it would understand, so why bother trying? I feel much the same now, whilst I could try to explain everything, they wouldn't truly understand what's going on in my head....not even I know that!!

As always though, don't worry, I'll be fine......I think......!!

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