Much time has passed and my thoughts deepen

Whilst after such a long period of time you may expect me to tell tales of my doings, I am afraid i shall disapoint. These last few months have seen me struggle on a very personal level, so much so, that the struggle is with myself.
I have spent many hours over the last few years in lectures, tutorials, and seminars, but only recently have I actually asked myself.......why?
Through peer pressure i presume i expected that i should go to university and get a degree, all i know is that it certainly is not now through a personal desire. I expected the whole university life style to suit me, though it does not. I feel as though all my expectations and impressions of what i believed university to be have been smashed. I never thought after finishing my A-Levels that four years on I would give anything to be back there again. A structured life, where in all reality what happens has little or no significance, imagination can make everything seem so rosy and the prospect of having to make life decisions are but specs on the future time line.
I used to feel as though i had so many things i wanted to be, an architect, a lawyer, even once an accountant. These days have passed, i now feel lost with no direction, an inability to think logically or see the next step through a turmoil of confusion and worry. Over the last few hours i looked over pictures from my past spanning more than a decade. The images made me remember how happy i used to be in myself, not feeling guilty of other peoples' happiness or motivation. I now cover my own worries by being the person who cheers everyone else up, and provides a happy atmosphere, the ultimate of all pretenses; not claiming to be rich or famous but just to be happy. How strong the facade of laughter can be.
I feel as though My achievements in earlier life are somehow insurmountable through other sources, as though my best moments have come and gone making it so very hard for me to see any prospects ahead. I now fear that chances pass me by as I live in this shell believing that those were the good days.
Weeks can pass where I feel fantastic, usually those when I'm busy and active, however, the moment I have some time to myself to take stock, I find myself as I do now, subdued, frustrated and lonely.
The loneliness is what confuses me so much, I have a very very loving family who have always been there for me and always will be, a very loving girlfriend, and more friends than i can shake a stick at. Though i feel that what i do lack are friends who would be there if i really got into trouble, or even those who would actively sit and listen to my rants like this one without either falling asleep or having to resort to a stiff drink.
Hopefully over time, these anxieties shall pass and i will find something else I am very good at and enjoy to replace the feelings of old.

May the new year bring focus and direction of thought. Good health to you all and a prosperous new year.

But don't worry my friends,
For I'll be just fine
I shall give it a moment,
Then give it good time.
- Lex 2006

Back again

Back at uni now, had my first lecture today, was strange after being up here all summer to just suddenly change my routine without any change in location. Everything seems to be rubbibg me up the wrong way at the moment, variuos things to blame i'm sure, but i can't pin it down to any one thing which would make it all so much easier. Oh well, i'm sure it'll pass.
Trying to get out riding more now, having been destroyed by one of the rowing squad the other day on a ride. Though looking out of the window now at the sheets of rain, today may not be one of my riding days!!!

Finally my ride is done

Swamped

Just finished upgrading parts on my bike, so now i'll be just a touch under the speed of light. However, I haven't had a chance to test the new set-up out yet as I had intended on going out today, but the weather turned from dry and overcast to floodland in a matter of minutes, oh well. So hopefully i'll be able to get out at the start of next week if i'm not working. Climbing is going well too, just trying to get as many hours as possible to make ends meet........maybe if i spent less on my bike this task would be substantially easier, but where's the fun in that hey.

Riding into the sunset

Been getting out road riding a fair amount recently, doing about 90-110 miles a week, but it has just been so hard, that i'm always either doing early or late rides, though to be fair it's usually late as my efforts to get out of bed seem to be futile. Still no one around in sheffield apart from my girlfriend so i'm looking forward to some of my mates getting back during freshers week.

Left at work, whilst she's out climbing

Work was very quiet today, only a few people about. Went bouldering for half an hour at lunch which was cool, sent 3 problems I hadn't done before.
But then as I was working the afternoon stint, my girlfriend comes to inform me that she's going out climbing for the evening............with other men!!! I say!!! So not only was i left knowing that i wasn't climbing and she was, but she'd taken the car, leaving me to walk home having locked up at the end of the day, the cheek of it.
Oh well, maybe this was the retribution i was waiting for after all the success recently!!

2 First Timers and awaiting compensation!!

Well it's been eventfull over the past week, having acheived two personal triumphs, in that most will think them feeble. I lead my first E1 on grit (having already lead E2 in wales and soloed E1 on grit) with my brother at Bamford on Nemmes Pas Harry (E1 5B). Having done this, i was enthused to do more. Katie and myself went to The Foundry yesterday for a few hours and having warmed up i set up a 6c (ok, so not hard at all) on the mildly overhanging wall. Having failed on the 6b next to it just after christmas i was rather sceptical of the outcome. However, it all came together and i managed to breeze through it without any trepedation. With this much going well, i'm just waiting for the S**t to hit the fan somewhere!!!

HPC - Can you spell it?

Here we are on top of Pebble at Plantation having a spelling lesson. Squint your eyes and see HPC (High Peak Club). Genius. Well done to all those involved, our sponsors and my teachers who would marvel at my new spelling ability!!

Gritstone summer evening

Here's my first blog, and what a way to start. A day out in the peak district to plantation, saw all of us being eaten by midges left, right and centre. How our very own Lisa managed to climb bare foot and in a skirt whilst the rest of us squirmed from the bites, I have no idea, but credit to her for the effort! Aside from that, a great day was had by all, getting 3 problems sent by myself, and many more by others. How i miss the bitter cold days on the gritstone when it's hot, then when it's cold i pray for some finger warming sun!!

Cratcliffe Bouldering

My first trip to Cratcliffe couldn't have been in better conditions. A cool afternoon and a group of great people. The picture to the left shows Will on the crux of T-Crack (B8 / Font 7b). Nice one Will.