Whilst after such a long period of time you may expect me to tell tales of my doings, I am afraid i shall disapoint. These last few months have seen me struggle on a very personal level, so much so, that the struggle is with myself.
I have spent many hours over the last few years in lectures, tutorials, and seminars, but only recently have I actually asked myself.......why?
Through peer pressure i presume i expected that i should go to university and get a degree, all i know is that it certainly is not now through a personal desire. I expected the whole university life style to suit me, though it does not. I feel as though all my expectations and impressions of what i believed university to be have been smashed. I never thought after finishing my A-Levels that four years on I would give anything to be back there again. A structured life, where in all reality what happens has little or no significance, imagination can make everything seem so rosy and the prospect of having to make life decisions are but specs on the future time line.
I used to feel as though i had so many things i wanted to be, an architect, a lawyer, even once an accountant. These days have passed, i now feel lost with no direction, an inability to think logically or see the next step through a turmoil of confusion and worry. Over the last few hours i looked over pictures from my past spanning more than a decade. The images made me remember how happy i used to be in myself, not feeling guilty of other peoples' happiness or motivation. I now cover my own worries by being the person who cheers everyone else up, and provides a happy atmosphere, the ultimate of all pretenses; not claiming to be rich or famous but just to be happy. How strong the facade of laughter can be.
I feel as though My achievements in earlier life are somehow insurmountable through other sources, as though my best moments have come and gone making it so very hard for me to see any prospects ahead. I now fear that chances pass me by as I live in this shell believing that those were the good days.
Weeks can pass where I feel fantastic, usually those when I'm busy and active, however, the moment I have some time to myself to take stock, I find myself as I do now, subdued, frustrated and lonely.
The loneliness is what confuses me so much, I have a very very loving family who have always been there for me and always will be, a very loving girlfriend, and more friends than i can shake a stick at. Though i feel that what i do lack are friends who would be there if i really got into trouble, or even those who would actively sit and listen to my rants like this one without either falling asleep or having to resort to a stiff drink.
Hopefully over time, these anxieties shall pass and i will find something else I am very good at and enjoy to replace the feelings of old.
May the new year bring focus and direction of thought. Good health to you all and a prosperous new year.
But don't worry my friends,
For I'll be just fine
I shall give it a moment,
Then give it good time.
- Lex 2006